Tiger Woods to Battle Roger Federer in Most Boring In Victory Competition

NEW YORK, Aug 23 – In what is being considered the greatest cross-sports competition ever, Tiger Woods will face off against Roger Federer to find out once and for all who is the most boring champion in sports.

Woods, the 12 time grand slam champion in golf, has consistantly been referred to as a “machine” when it comes to playing on Sundays, with the only excitement being whether there will be a design on his traditional Sunday red shirt.

Federer, an 8 time grand slam champion in tennis, emulates a robot throughout entire tournaments and usually does not show any emotion until the fake look of satisfaction on his face once he conqures the field.

The specific competition has yet to be announced, but audiences are gearing up for a battle. “He almost takes the fun out of it,” says Woods competitor Phil Mickelson. “Did you see that 2 inch jump I had at the Masters? That is what victory should look like. Tiger could learn a thing or two from me, but unfortunately, all he does is hit more balls on the range.”

Federer seems to bring out similar reactions from his opponents. “He crushed me at Wimbledon a few years ago and didn’t know what to do after. He kind of stumbled to the ground, but I think it’s because his coach told him to,” said Andy Roddick in reference to his loss to Federer in the 2005 final.

Both men seem equally excited about the opportunity. When asked what it would be like to win, Woods repsonded by saying, “it would be sweet.” The same question was presented to Federer and he simply responded with “yes, it would be good to win.”


Texans Want A Second Chance

HOUSTON, Aug 23 – “Can we try that again?” That is what Houston Texans Owner Bob McNair is asking now that pre-season football camps are underway and he has been able to see both Mario Williams and Reggie Bush in action. Earlier this year, the Houston Texans chose Defensive End Mario Williams with the number one pick overall in the 2006 NFL Draft, bypassing Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush, who many considered the top player in the draft.

“We said to ourselves, what are our needs?” said McNair. “Unforunately there were so many, that by the time we finished listing them, we were on the clock.” The Texans did receive numerous trade proposals for the number one pick, but they were more than willing to hold onto it.

“Mario had a great workout with us and that pretty much clinched it,” added McNair. “However, I recently saw a highlight reel of Bush from high school on YouTube and thought to myself, ‘man, we need this kid!’” It was at that moment that McNair realized that his team had chosen Williams over Bush. Many speculated that the Texans were very happy with Dominick Davis as their starting running back, which is why they looked beyond Bush. At this point, it seems there was a misunderstanding: “we blew it,” said McNair.

The Texans finished the 2005 season with a 2-14 record, the worst in the NFL.

Knicks Sign 6’8" Prospect

NEW YORK, Aug 22 – The New York Knicks announced the signing of 6’8” Aaron Durley today to complete their off-season free agent signings for 2006. Durley, currently the starting first baseman for the Saudi Arabian American Little League team competing in the Little League World Series, has virtually no experience playing basketball, but at six feet eight inches at the age of 13, the Knicks made it clear they had to have him.

“Have you seen this kid? He’s a monster!” exclaimed Knicks General Manager and Head Coach Isiah Thomas. “He just towers over all of his opponents.”

The Knicks, traditionally known for signing undersized big men, have now added some much needed size to the front court. Financial conditions of the deal were not disclosed, however, it is believed that Durley signed in the range of 10 years for $500,000,000.

Durley could not be reached for comment last night, as the announcement was made after his 9:30pm bed time. Nevertheless, the Knicks clearly seem very excited for this addition to the team; “I am not sure if we will put him directly into the starting lineup, but you can be certain he will get plenty of time on the court this year,” said Thomas. “Right now we are looking at a starting lineup of Eddy Curry, Channing Frye, David Lee, Jalen Rose, Steve Francis and Stephon Marbury, which will certainly be one of the most competitive in the NBA.”

When Thomas was asked to confirm that he is planning to start six players next season, he winked and replied, “it will certainly feel that way for our opponents.”

The Knicks finished the 2005-06 season with a record of 23-59, the worst in the Eastern Conference.